Small Experiences
by notidkgba27
Summary: "It's just been so long since he's last been kissed, since anyone has shown him any attention like this and even if it is pathetic, allowing Stan to test out his sexuality with him, at least they're both benefiting from this."


"Butters, I think I might be…. gay."

At the sound of his name the boy has already turned his chair around and by the end of Stan's confession has found relief. It's not that he isn't surprised by that three letter word. In fact he's pretty darned shocked, never would've expected it from anyone let alone Stanley Marsh someone who truly is, or perhaps was, the embodiment of the all-American teenage boy, the sort of kid who could only be a product of a small town like South Park.

He takes a moment to process it and to think of a proper response because when he looks up from his feet to Stan he finds those dark blue eyes focused onto his and waiting for some sort of recognition that Butters just isn't sure how to give. Instead of replying he bites his lip and looks out the window where for once there isn't a snowflake in sight just sun, clear skies, and not a freshly out of the closet teenager sitting on his bed in awkward silence.

"Oh, um, are you s-sure?"

Immediately Butters knows that was the wrong thing to ask. His friend, if Stan could even be considered that, had just revealed something about himself perhaps even for the first time and instead of showing support he had questioned it. He inwardly scolds himself because his father was right. He's an idiot, plain and simple. To be fair though he wasn't prepared to be dealing with anyone's sexuality today or any other day for that matter. All he had planned was to finish his and Stan's history project all by himself, the addition of Stan actually showing up to his house was unexpected but not necessarily a curveball not like this was at least.

Stan however doesn't seem to be effected by his question. He furrows his brows together and nods slowly first in affirmation and then back and forth.

"Yeah…. I mean no. Well, I'm not sure if I'm **gay **gay. I mean I could be like bi or something."

Butters waits until Stan is looking back up at him before giving him an upturn of his lip, it's so forced that he can't help but blush. He has no idea why Stan would even choose him to confess to because really they weren't even friends, had never really been friends they just happened to hang out with the same group of people but that was back in elementary school back when people still bothered with Butters Stotch.

Stan was nice though nicer than the other kids, at least, who picked on Butters for a variety of reasons a major one being his perceived sexuality which was "gay as fuck" and that fake smile that had just been on Butters' face is quickly replaced with a very genuine frown. If the kids at school stole his lunch money, stole his non-lunch money, and stuffed him inside of his own locker who knew what they'd do to someone who was actually gay though his bullying was also a result of many other pathetic components that made up his pathetic life.

"That's r-real, uh, interestin' but have ya t-told anyone else 'cause that might be somethin' to keep to yourself."

It's Stan this time who blushes, raising a hand to the back of his head to scratch in a way that's only done in the most awkward of situations. His eyes scan the room as he buys himself enough time to put together the words that will explain why he chose Butters of all people to share his sexuality crisis with. It really isn't because of Butters' supposed trustworthiness because that was non-existent from the beginning. You can't tell the Stotch boy a secret that is if you want your confession to remain a secret. He was risking a lot telling Butters this and he knew it all it would take was just one phone call, one text to Cartman and he would be screwed for the remainder of his life but he figured Butters owed him. After all he'd been keeping Butters' secret to himself, hadn't even told Kyle and that in itself was an accomplishment.

"I know that. I just thought that maybe you could, uh, help me, you know, with this whole being gay thing."

"Help you? Well, I really would love to be of, um, assistance to ya but I r-really don't think I can help ya with this."

"Look, I know we're not exactly the best of friends-"

"It ain't got nothin' to do with us bein' fr-friends or not-"

"But dude you're, like, the only gay person I know-"

"Wh-What?!"

"And there's no way I'm asking Garrison or Mr. Slave for advice. So can you please just help me out here?"

"But…"

His voice dies there, that one word fading on the tip of his tongue because maybe this isn't Stan looking for help but Stan just trying to get proof that he is indeed as gay as everyone thinks he is. If this was Cartman it wouldn't have been a surprise but an ulterior motive didn't seem like a very Stan thing to do but still Butters isn't sure how to appropriately respond.

He's never known why everyone in South Park was so obsessed with the idea of him liking boys and lusting over any male who came into his field of vision. Actually he did know why everyone assumed he had a love for cock and the answer was as simple as because he was Butters. There wasn't any real reasoning behind any of their suspicions. He talked openly about girls plenty of times. Heck probably almost as often as Kenny the only differences being that you could actually understand Butters when he spoke and that people actually believed Kenny when he muttered about what he'd like to do to a female body.

There just seemed to be something about Butters that just automatically labeled him as "gay" and that denied him the right to his own sexuality but not this time. Whether or not this was all just some strange elaborate prank it was time that Butters stood up for himself beginning literally as he raised from his chair, planting his bright purple converse onto the ground, and meeting Stan's confused stare with narrowed eyes and heated cheeks.

"Now, listen here, buddy! I'm s-sorry you're havin' issues dealin' with your s-sexuality but you better get this straight. I know y'all think I'm some k-kind of queer but I ain't! An' I don't know where you're gettin' this idea that I am but let me tell ya that you've got me f-figured all wrong. I'm straight, okay? I am an' always will be a heterosexual so ya better st-"

"You're not gay?"

"No, I just said I wasn't!"

There's another pause and it's somehow even more awkward than the earlier one. Butters has his arms crossed over his chest and his pouted lips doesn't make him look even half as serious as he's attempting to look but he's just tired of all these assumptions. He never went around calling people things that they didn't agree to, with the exception of calling Kyle a jew when at Cartman's side, and he was tired of accepting it choosing instead to stare down at the boy who sat at the edge of his bed.

Butters didn't yell often but when he did he certainly had a way of making a person feel like shit and that's exactly how Stan felt right now, a possibly gay human-sized pile of shit. He can't dwell on the feeling long though or else he might risk returning to his ten year old self so he decides to explain himself once again because he really does need some help and he really has been spending most of his life sincerely believing that Butters was gay.

"It's just that when we were younger you came out to me. So I thought that maybe you could help me now."

The not so steely resolve of Butters Stotch slips away, his brows meeting at the center as he tilts his head, clueless as to what incident Stan could possibly be referring to.

"I… I did?"

"Well, yeah, don't you remember?"

He tries to remember, spending a good minute or two shifting through old childhood memories but all that comes to mind are his groundings, misadventures, and all the negative aspects of having spent his earlier years as Cartman's lackey.

"No, I d-don't."

"Um, well, when we were kids there was this one time when it was just you and me and I remember you saying that you wanted to tell me like a secret or something and then all of a sudden you were wearing this really shiny metal outfit and I just sort of thought that was you coming out to, uh, to me."

Suddenly there's a memory it's a bit hazy and unclear to Butters as well but it's unmistakable because out of all the outfits Butters had been forced to wear there was only one that he voluntarily wore and it happened to be the only one of his costumes that fit the description: Professor Chaos.

Though Chaos was more of an alter ego than just a costume but that wasn't something easily understood by others not even as children and even if it had been years since the Professor's last appearance in South Park Butters still valued that part of himself, the part of himself that wanted nothing more but to break all the rules placed on him, to crush any expectations that society had for him, the badass part of him that was obviously misinterpreted as gay.

"Professor Chaos ain't gay an' neither am I! Ya know Stan I'm gettin' an awfully tired of your accusations."

"I'm sorry! It's just…. I didn't know who else to talk to and since you were gay, uh, I mean, since I thought you were gay I thought you'd be the best option out of everyone."

There's a slight blush growing on his cheeks because he's not used to compliments though Stan didn't really compliment him at all but still it's enough to make him want to help even if he has no idea where to start. He walks up to Stan, stopping in front of him, and captures his attention by placing a hand on his shoulder and when Stan looks up his blush only burns a shade brighter.

"No, Stan, I should be the one apologizin'. All you're tryin' to do is get some advice an' you trusted me enough to come to me an' instead of helpin' ya all I've done is made this all 'bout me. Now I still ain't sure how much help I can actually be considerin' I ain't gay or nothin' but I'm willin' to listen if ya need an ear."

"Oh, okay…"

Stan's eyes linger from Butters' own before making their way down the boy's arm to the point where the two were making a physical connection. He's not all that sure where to even begin because he's not so sure when he really started questioning whether or not he was really straight. He couldn't pinpoint these feelings to any particular moment or person can just recall different times in which guys started seeming like an actual option for the sort of things he always wanted to do with Wendy. It was just a collection of small experiences that made him feel as if Wendy or girls in general weren't the only thing that could get his heart beating and his blood pumping because he felt similar at other times too whether it was catching the rare glimpse of Kenny's face, accidently brushing his hand against Kyle, hearing Cartman's laugh, or being pitted against Craig. Heck even the boy in front of him had inspired some not so pure feelings before like the feelings currently manifesting within him at his touch.

When it doesn't seem like Stan has anything else to add Butters pulls his hand away and instead begins with his nervous habit of wringing his wrists together doing so more and more frantically as Stan's silence grew and his stare progressed.

"If ya ain't got nothin' to say right now then that's f-fine. We can always talk 'bout this later but we've spent a lot of time not doin' our school work so how 'bout we get back to work?"

Butters sighs to himself doing his best to fill in the silence that Stan is responsible for creating and gives him a sympathetic look before glancing over his shoulders to the papers on his desk. Despite Stan's complete lack of help they weren't behind in their project and if anything were ahead of schedule once again all thanks to Butters. Still the time he's spent talking to Stan would've been better spent on their school work. In fact there wouldn't be any awkwardness between the two of them had it not been for Stan showing up unannounced with an identity crisis. Despite the fact that Butters truly is ready to move onto anything other than this weird moment he's found himself in he still can't shake the feeling of guilt but then again it's not his fault if Stan isn't straight and anyways they're not friends, just acquaintances partners in their historical project and not a single thing more though Butters is starting to question if there is anything more to their dynamic especially since Stan has finally stood up, grabbing his forearms and holding him in place unable to hold eye contact as he asks one last time.

"Are you sure you're not even a little bit gay?"

All Butters wants is to break free from Stan's hold and all this newfound responsibility for the boy or at least to wring his wrists together but Stan isn't letting go, effectively keeping the boy in front of him still. Butters stops his squirming having resigned for now to remain in embrace as he nods his head.

"Of course I ain't gay. Don't ya believe me?"

It's obvious by the blank stare he receives that Stan in fact does not believe him and before Stan can even mention any of the curious things he did as a child he presents him with another question.

"Why does it even m-matter to ya whether I'm st-straight or gay?"

Stanley bites his lip, unsure of whether or not he should continue even if Butters claims he isn't there's enough evidence to suggest at least bicuriosity and anyways he needs to find out just how genuine his gay feelings are and who better to test them than with Butters.

"It's just I had something planned since I thought you were gay but you say you aren't gay."

"Cause I ain't! Now let me g-"

It's not the first time that Butters' words have gone unheard but it's the first time they've been interrupted like this with warm, moist lips, a little too moist probably from chapstick, and a pair of strong hands moving from his arms to his face before cupping his cheeks.

This is it and Stan knows that this is what he needed, a final test to see whether or not he truly was gay. Sure there was a strange tingling sensation throughout his body and a slight teensie-weensie bit of desire for further exploration but Stan figured that this kiss would not only act as a test but also as a relief for any actual gay feelings he might have been harboring inside. He can feel Butters, who had been previously tense, relax under his touch and though part of him doesn't really want to the more logical part of him reminds him that this kiss wasn't for fun but out of necessity and that if he's going to declare himself heterosexual he best pull away now but as his lips curve up into a smile he can't help but have just a little bit of fun. After all this is going to be his first and last kiss with another boy so he might as well enjoy and with a quick peak it seems as if Butters might be enjoying it as well, his hands have made their way up to his chest, clutching at the material of his shirt to pull him closer, and his eyes are shut, the contentment across his face clear in his own small smile.

For a straight kid Butters seemed to have adjusted quite quickly to the feeling of another boy's lips. It's just been so long since he's last been kissed, since anyone has shown him any attention like this and even if it is pathetic, allowing Stan to test out his sexuality with him, at least they're both benefiting from this. It's when he feels the tip of Stan's tongue at the slit of his lips does he suddenly realize that this kiss, that a boy was affecting him in the same way that Kim Kardashian and his other celebrity crushes often did but before he can open his mouth or really figure out what was going on inside of him, he's suddenly let go, pushed back into his chair and landing with a rather hard thump.

He looks up at Stan just in time to catch the boy in his first upheaval, the contents of his stomach spilling onto his wooden floors, and looks away trying once again to process the fact that maybe, just maybe he wasn't as straight as he thought he was and that he'd definitely be grounded for Stan's vomit, which was now settling into a nice warm pile as Stan himself lurched forward with his arms wrapped around his stomach and his cheeks a harsh shade of red.

Absentmindedly Butters' fingers gently brush across his lips before he shuts his eyes in frustration because it seems that not only will he get in trouble for the growing pile of vomit, Stan groaning before adding even more illness onto the floor, but for being as his dad liked to call it "bicurious".


End file.
